Beyond Intercourse




 I have difficulty getting an erection and maintaining it because of poor health. What else can I do to be sexual and please my partner besides trying to have intercourse?



When we become focused on having intercourse as our main sexual play, we end up putting extra unnecessary pressure on males to get and maintain erections. This fact alone can cause erectile problems. But when erection ability is also compromised by health issues or the aging process the pressure can be increased unnecessarily.


We also put too much pressure on the female to be lubricated enough to allow for painless intercourse. As we age, both the ability to get erections and to lubricate reduces. So there are more times when intercourse is not a viable option. What then? Too many people just give up on sex. Please donít! Sex provides so many benefits.


Think about it...perhaps intercourse itself has been overrated. Many women would say so because the majority of them cannot have an orgasm through intercourse anyway. For many women most intercourse positions simply donít supply the necessary rhythm and pressure on the clitoris that is necessary for orgasm to occur.


While losing the ability to have intercourse, either as often as weíd like or at all, is a huge loss...we also need to remember that there are many other ways to be sexual. In general, when intercourse becomes our default sex activity too many other great experiences get missed.


A more useful focus would be to put our attention on being present with our partners and putting more energy into developing our sensory awareness. While this is important any time, it is even more important as we age when our senses have the tendency to dim.


We live in a culture where sensory overload is our everyday existence. We accept this experience as normal without questioning its impact on us. But one of the repercussions of this situation is the gradual deadening of the senses.


However, when it comes to expanding our sexual expression, we need to do the opposite of shutting our senses down. We want to allow our senses to work at their optimum level again, which requires developing conscious control over the sensory switch. This requires developing a strong sense of presence and sensory awareness. For those that are interested in pursuing this concept, I go this in some detail in my book The Great Sex for Life Toolkit  You will find a great exercise for awakening the senses so you and your partner can both enjoy more full body pleasure instead of being overly focused on what we think of as our sexual organs. Focusing on deeper sensory awareness, anyway you can, is a great way to expand sexual potential when intercourse isnít an option. ( or even when it is)


My book offers a whole chapter on ideas for expanding sexual potential. The following are just a few excerpts from the chapter called Keeping the Pot Boiling that donít require intercourse and therefore do not put any pressure on the male partner to have an erection. (Increasing the chances of getting an erection anyway!)



©           Massage.


Learning to massage your partner is a critical part of having good sex. We do not naturally know how to touch sensuously. We learn mainly through experience and feedback. As we age and lose some aspects of sexual functioning, this is one skill we will always be able to use. You can never learn enough about how to touch effectively. If you want to be a great lover, consider taking classes or reading books on massage, then enjoy practicing it on your partner. Use lots of oil for a more sensual experience!


©          Sensual games.


Gather a bunch of sensual objects (feathers, furs, flower petals, silk, etc.) and slowly caress your partnerís body with them. Make it a gift. Have them just relax and enjoy the experience without any expectation that they have to please you. For your partner, this is practice receiving without obligation. For you, it is practice giving, without expectation. Ask for feedback so you can learn even more about what your partner likes.


©          Role-play.


Examples of ideas for role play would be: doctor, nurse, prostitute, nun, stranger, etc. (whatever works for you). Some couples find it stimulating to have a rendezvous away from home as though they are strangers meeting for the first time.


©          Oral Sex


To be successful, oral sex requires three things: good communication, good hygiene, and good technique. Good technique can only develop over time between any two sexual partners, because lots of feedback is required for success. You are never an expert to start with. If youíre unsure of different techniques to try, there are whole books written about this topic. But no book will replace communication. Simply ask, ďWhat do you like?Ē, and if your partner doesnít know the answer, explore and asking for feedback.


©          Finger penetration.


Finger penetration can be very erotic for both the vagina and the anus. Make sure nails are trimmed, and remember, safe sex goes for fingers as well as for penises.


©          Prostate massage.


The prostate gland is sometimes referred to as the male G-Spot (see Chapter 5). Some men find it erotic to have it digitally massaged internally. It can be gently accessed through


©           Shower games.


Take a long sensuous shower together. Take extra time to lather and gently massage all parts of the body. Donít assume youíll know what your partner finds erotic. Ask for feedback about the way you are touching (You must be getting tired of hearing me emphasize this!). Allow them to guide your hand. They know themselves best. Encourage them to ask for what they want. Thatís both a secret and a prerequisite for


©           Sex toys.


Too many people are shy about, or even threatened by using sex toys during partner sex. Toys can help you have those novel sexual sensations that you need to keep your sex life alive. Start a collection of toys that you keep by your bed. Include handcuffs, vibrators, blindfolds, soft ties, feathers, erotic edibles, mood music, and anything else that interests you. Please donít see them as competition. Sex toys are useful little helpers.


©           Ritual bathing.


Ritual bathing is more relaxing than shower games. Itís a good opportunity to build anticipation for good things to come or as a sensual activity all on its own. Bathrooms can lend themselves well to romantic environments with a little help. Get the candles and soft music out. Wash each other in an honoring and humble way.


©          Make sex more sacred.


Having sex with more heart awareness and less genital awareness is one way to make sex more sacred. One of the best ways to do this is to give up your attachment to orgasm (at least occasionally). In Tantric philosophy itís believed that focusing on orgasm limits your erotic experience. Try letting go of the drive to orgasm, and instead, have a goal of lengthening your pleasure with more peaks and valleys.